Wow, almost 4 months since I last wrote anything, but much longer since I’ve had the words to really put down here on my blog. I mean the words are there floating around my mind but time has not allowed me to sit down and write — or perhaps it’s that I haven’t lassoed those minutes and made the time. Either way, it has been a long, long time and I’m feeling the itch to write!
So many things have happened in the past year, some bad, some good — but mostly good because the Lord takes everything and works it out for good. The best thing, and also the most painful, is my oldest son coming back to me. It’s been ten years of waiting for him to return and he has, and while I’m beyond grateful for that, it’s been and still is, a painful journey for both of us. Just when I thought healing had taken place in my life, my son finally opened up about the hurt, anger and bitterness he has held all these years not only towards his father — but me too. And while prayer for my son to finally return home has been answered, it has proven to be a very painful return, causing the pain of regrets to the surface of my heart.
The regrets I’ve had, and perhaps tried to bury, have been uncovered causing many restless nights. My heart aches for those things I did to cause my son pain, and while I was not responsible for his father’s abuse, the thought of having caused my child misery is something I cannot shake. The thought of keeping my sons in an abusive home all those years is a hard thing to reckon with, and an even more difficult thing to forgive myself for.
But God is one of restoration, this I have definitely learned over the past decade, and He has worked in an amazing way to give my son and I an opportunity to literally come together — and hopefully find healing once and for all. My son has Lyme disease and has been sick for over 15 years of his life, he is 27 and has never had a quality of life that most young people should. In December, after his trip home for Christmas, he took a turn for the worse, and my husband and I knew this was it — my son needed treatment soon or he was not wanting to live anymore. That same week we started looking into getting my son to The West Clinic in Pocatello, Idaho, a man from our former church called to tell my son they wanted to help pay for part of his treatment! Praise God! So, on February 1st, with the car loaded to the max and studded tires mounted, my son and I began our journey from Oregon to Pocatello, Idaho for him to receive a month long treatment at the clinic. We are living in an Airbnb house and learning not only how to navigate snowy road conditions but also how to live together again after all these years. Probably harder for my son to be living for a month with his mother, than for me. 😉
While his body begins to heal after all these years, my continued prayer is for our relationship to be healed also. Yet, I’m admittedly scared of this, because in order for healing to take place, just like in my son’s body, there is often a period of discomfort and pain in the beginning and honestly — I am not sure I’m strong enough to handle that. Yet I know without a doubt that God led us here and if He brought us here, then I trust Him to bring us through too.
As time allows, I will be writing more about my adventure in Idaho, over 700 miles away from home, but in the meantime, I have started a new blog and leaving this one behind for reasons I will explain later. Writing has always been healing for me and this is the year I feel led to put more out there about my story of living with abuse and the process of healing as I’ve grown from an abuse victim to survivor.
If you would like to learn more about my new blog, please visit my Facebook page.
My prayer is that the Lord uses me and my life inspired thoughts to bring encouragement, hope and freedom to those who wander here.