Many years ago, I dreamed of being a midwife. And some nights are still filled with dreams of catching babies.
Twenty years ago, I attended midwifery school with the dream of being a homebirth midwife. Childbirth had been my life and passion for over a decade at that time. In the summer of 1992, eight months after the birth of my first-born son, I excitedly sat through a 3-day childbirth educator training soaking in all the information in anticipation of becoming a childbirth educator. A year later I was a certified Bradley MethodR Childbirth Educator teaching my first class in Central Oregon and observing my first homebirth of one of my students. That evening, thirty-one years ago, as I drove home from the most amazing birth — my future felt certain. There was no doubt in my mind, I was called to help women in childbirth.
For the next twenty years, I would continue to teach childbirth classes and attend births as a doula. It filled me, it was me. Standing in front of a group of women and their partners, teaching about the wonder of birth was so exhilarating. I loved getting to share my knowledge and expertise to help those couples go into their births feeling capable and prepared. And I was good at what I did.
Then my life turned upside down…
So many things factored into giving up teaching childbirth and attending births as a doula, and my dream of ever becoming a midwife. To this day, I cry a little inside when I think of it. I simply feel like a nobody — when I used to be somebody. When I had this burning passion and desire inside of me. And then life changed, and I had to lay it all down. I let go of the dream and tried to squelch the passion inside of me.
And that was okay, at least I tried to tell myself. But admittedly, it’s hard to watch as a dear friend of mine has grown her doula business, become a childbirth educator and is now teaching doula classes at our local community college. She kept pushing forward and she has made a name of herself in our little town. And she deserves all of it, she’s worked hard to get where she is. But still, it’s hard to watch.
I once had a dream and passion, and loved what I did with such intensity. And I smile through the tears at the memories of watching women and their families impacted through my classes and my labor support.
But these days, it often feels like I have nothing to get up for. No burning passion or desire, no satisfying work. Just being here. And while I’m grateful, truly I am, for this life I have — my husband, my home, my family — some days I feel like a nobody. And several years ago, when I off handedly said this to my youngest son while we walked the aisles of Barnes and Nobles, he turned to me and said, “You are still somebody, Mom!”
And then just today, God reaches out and touches a little part of me, igniting another fire. Where it will go, I’m not sure, but in the past few days I’ve had encounters with people, a few friends and a couple strangers, in which I’ve had the opportunity to share about my health journey these past few years. My passion these days, is that of whole nutrition and healing, and I have a lot to share. Where it will go is perhaps up to me, but God has definitely opened doors, even just a crack.
I once had a dream. I once was filled with passion and desire. And perhaps I can dream another dream and find that kind of passion again in my life. It’s said that what we have struggled with the most often becomes what we use to help others. And I know that to be true. The stories of our journeys through life help others travelling the same road. So, who knows what may be next for me, what fire the Lord will and I think already has, lit underneath me.
For now, I will continue to thank the Lord for all the blessings He has given me and know that yes, I am somebody — I am His.
Until next time…
Life Inspired Thoughts 