My blog is all about me. And that isn’t meant to sound egotistical, it’s just the truth. My blog is not a job nor are the words written here necessarily for anyone else. They are my words formed from my thoughts and prayers, yet I realize these words do end up being written for someone who needs to read them because that’s just how God works.
Last night, I ran across a podcast featuring a woman who blogs about abuse and who has taken off with her ministry making it a full time job. And that’s wonderful, it is certainly a great ministry and is helping countless women become free from abuse. But honestly, something she said, or perhaps the way it was said, struck a wrong chord in me and I felt something rise up — Defensiveness? Anger? Jealously, perhaps?
What she said was not directed at me, per se, because she doesn’t even know me — well, I believe she knows of me and my blog because I have often shared some of her Facebook posts on my Facebook wall and she has on occasion liked those posts. Her comment though, was basically directed at bloggers who have become stagnant or repetitive in their writing or lack thereof. She basically said, it is out of those lifeless blogs which led her to build her business and become something different — keeping her content fresh, new and always growing. Fair enough.
But her words took aim straight at my heart. And I suddenly found myself criticizing myself for becoming one of those stagnant, never changing bloggers, and admittedly, even shamefully — I became jealous. For the rest of the evening, I found myself dwelling on what she had said and almost getting angry at the fact that she, who has not been in the blogging world as long as I have, is suddenly very well known and growing a huge community.
Yet, what she has done and continues to work towards, came because she stepped out in faith, and just did it. She followed her passion of helping other women in abusive relationships, which has been grown out of her past experience of living in an abusive marriage. God is using her through all she walked through so she can be a source of encouragement and hope to other women in similar circumstances. And it’s awesome how quickly her ministry has taken off and continues to grow, it really is.
Me? Well, I began my first blog in 2009 after my abusive ex walked out and it served as a journal of sorts for me, and me alone. My words on that blog were written through a very painful time in my life and came from the very depths of my soul. They were a way for me to get the hurt out and find healing, and along the way, others found my blog and read those words. And once in a great while, a woman would contact me and share her story of abuse, reaching out to me like grasping a lifeline during a terrible storm. To this day, I have stayed in contact with several women from all those years ago, and while I never started writing online as a ministry, I believe that God has used my words, no matter how few and repetitive, to reach those in need of them.
And this blog begins where my old one left off in 2013, after the storm had passed and I began a new beautiful life the Lord blessed me with. The words written here often share those things I learned from my past, the healing I still work on achieving, and the goodness of the Lord in my life. Just like my first blog, this one was never truly meant to serve as a ministry or become a business. My words reach some, not many, certainly not as many as the woman I listened to yesterday, but what I write, even though sporadically these days, is still important to me and not stagnant or repetitive at all.
And I guess that’s why comparison is so dangerous — because it can keep us from doing what we do for fear it isn’t enough and someone else is far better.
I may never have 600 shares on Facebook, I may be lucky to have one or two every once in a blue moon, and maybe that is because I don’t have anything worth saying or it’s all just too repetitive and stale. But my writing comes from my heart and is about my journey, and not letting all that I walked through be forgotten.
This blog is not a ministry or a business, nor do I intend it to be. Although, I suppose, our testimony of things we’ve lived through does become a ministry when it helps others have hope and encouragement walking a similar path. If even one woman receives a little glimmer of hope from my few and far between words, then my blog has served a purpose far greater than I thought would happen nine years ago as I hit the publish button for my first post.