Being content right here, right now…

I have felt such a turmoil the last few weeks…something inside that I just cannot put my finger on.  To even try and write about it, to put words to it, seems impossible.

The best way to describe the chaos happening within me is to say I feel a discontent of sorts.

I feel as if I’m doing nothing when I should be doing something.  Something that has meaning and purpose.

I feel as if each day just quietly slips into the darkness of the night without any fanfare, without any applause signifying a great end to a great day.

Don’t we all wish at some point in our lives that we could do something great, to touch those around us in some profound way?  To feel as if we have done something meaningful with this life we have been given?

These days I just feel as if life, right here, right now, is of no significance.  What am I accomplishing?  What am I doing?

I live a blessed life, that I freely admit.

I have an amazing husband who loves me beyond what I deserve most days and whom I love in such a way I only ever dreamed of.  I am free from an abusive marriage scanning two decades which was slowly draining the very life from my soul.  And I have two wonderful sons who continue to grow into men with bright futures and big dreams ahead of them.

I am blessed.

But lately though I feel a yearning.  A yearning for something.  Something more, something new…something…

I feel discontentment.

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”

~1 Cor 10:31

We are to be content in all things, no matter what we are doing, right?  Everything we do should be glorifying to God…everything.  So even in the mundane, the little things, we are to glorify God with our lives.  But about when we feel nothing we do has any significance?  How can that be glorifying?

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you just might miss it.”
—Ferriss Bueller
Life does move pretty fast, actually way too fast, especially the older we become.  When my oldest son was a baby and I was wrestling with sleepless nights, endless diapers and milk stained shirts, I wanted to wish it all away.  But I remember my mom wisely saying to enjoy every moment, because before I knew it my little baby boy would be grown up and living his own life, and I would then wish for nothing more than to have him cuddled in my arms again.  And yes, how true that is…
It’s funny how four years ago in the midst of the turmoil caused from my ex-husband walking out, I found contentment in life.  And believe me, life sucked at that time.  It was endless days and nights of worry, tears, and anxiety, but then something happened.  I found God, again, after years of putting Him on the back burner.  The day that front door closed on a life I had lived for twenty years, another door opened…a door to life, a door to God.  While my life shifted and changed, He was my only constant.  And it was through His constant present in my life, through His unchanging love for me, that I found contentment.
I learned how to be still and be present right there, right at that very moment in my life.  In the very moments which could have paralyzed me and kept me prisoner in a deep, dark pit I heard my mother’s words from another time in my life when I wanted to wish it all away, and that is when contentment rose up to meet me.  When I stopped wishing my life away and instead stepped into the place right where I was.
Yesterday, while sipping lattes and chatting endlessly with my dear friend and co-childbirth educator, those feelings of discontent which I had tried to shove deep down inside started rising to the surface.  Then the words slowly started coming out…words filled with a yearning for something.  My friend had sensed it she told me when she walked into the coffee house that morning, but it wasn’t until I started trying to put words to what was filling my heart with discontent, did she lean forward and speak words of encouragement to me.  Her words were not unlike those spoken by my mother over two decades ago when my fuzzy-headed son still fit perfectly in my arms:

Perhaps you just need to be still right now, right where you’re at.  Do the things you love…plant, write, stitch…enjoy those things in life.  Just.be.still.

Just be still.

It can be so hard to do, but perhaps it is in that stillness we glorify God?

“Be still, and know that I am God…”

~Psalm 46:10a

When we choose to place our hope and trust in Him and choose to step right into the moment in front of us, not wishing our life away, but instead choosing to embrace where we are right here, right now…that is when contentment rises up to meet us quelling the turmoil and yearnings for something more.

It is stepping into the present, not wishing for the moment to be gone, but instead embracing what is all around us and knowing that even in the mundane, in the ordinary, we can give glory to God and find true joy.

May you find the joy of today right here, right now, no matter how little or how much you are doing.

Blessings,

Amy-Cursive-Heart

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